East Village Tetralogy by Arthur Nersesian

Author:Arthur Nersesian
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Akashic Books
Published: 2012-07-16T00:00:00+00:00

SCENE 2

It is dark and silent. We hear a train, as if in the distance. It grows louder until it sounds as if it is rushing into a station. Lights come up on a littered subway station, with graffiti-profaned billboards and a Second Avenue station sign. Although Isadora’s voice is heard first, Von Bootum dashes onto the platform hoping to catch the train.

ISADORA (Offstage) Come back here when I’m screaming at you, you Kraut clown!

VON BOOTUM (Hyperventilating) There’s always a train on the opposite track.

ISADORA (Ignores him and pulls her coat tighter) We’re in a filthy fucking subway station in a fucking ghetto! You miserable cheapskate bastard.

VON BOOTUM You saw me, Hynie Mama, trying to Sieg Heil that infernal taxi cab. (Having trouble breathing)

ISADORA (Swatting him with each word) You fat, fag, fuck, failure! Your life is a big pile of stinking shit. And the only reason you married me is to turn my life into stinking shit too.

VON BOOTUM Please, all I need is a human subject to show that my experiment is both successful and—

ISADORA (Looking down the subway tunnel) Somebody ought to do an experiment on you, you horn-hatted fart-machine.

VON BOOTUM (Holding his forehead painfully and looking into the tunnel) Is that a train’s headlights?

ISADORA It’s two thirty-watt lightbulbs wondering the same thing I am: How did I get screwed here? You shit.

VON BOOTUM (Puts his hand over his heart and breathes steadily, then slowly squats until he is sitting on the ground) Please, Hynie Mama, I’m having intensifying palpitations in my xiphoid process!

ISADORA Good. Maybe you’ll die before Simon Wiesenthal catches you! Vile Visigothic vomit!

VON BOOTUM (Sitting on the ground, struggling to breathe) At least I tried—what’s your excuse? You were supposed to invent the great crime serum, the pharmaceutical approach. The only breakthroughs you’ve had were through your waistlines, whereas I just have one final push to go.

ISADORA I’d like to give you a final push.

VON BOOTUM (Notices something offstage; nervously, laboriously, he rises, still holding his chest.) Hynie Mama, Hynie Mama—

ISADORA Will you quit calling me that, you anal Oedipal asshole?

VON BOOTUM But I have something important to tell you—

ISADORA Fuck off, I’m fantasizing about a real man. Someone with a ticklish chest whose spout isn’t tucked away under a beerkeg of a belly.

VON BOOTUM I think there’s someone behind the pillar.

ISADORA Pissing probably. (Curious) Where?

VON BOOTUM (Points offstage) There, by the—(Suddenly his voice booms loudly) By the way, did you pack all those Deutsche Marks neatly in your purse?

ISADORA What?

VON BOOTUM (Covers his mouth in surprise and questions) Did I say that? (Strangely loud again) All that money in your purse is going to fall out. (Loud) Hundreds of Deutsche Marks!

ISADORA With you as the breadwinner, this purse is costume jewelry.

VON BOOTUM Come on, this way. (He grabs her and they exit, but we can still hear them talking while offstage)

ISADORA Hey, Octoberfest’s over! Where are you taking me?

VON BOOTUM Just move it! Shit, the exit’s locked.

Woodrow enters, stage right. He follows behind them and exits stage left, where he grabs Isadora’s purse offstage.

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